On being a woman.

‚What do you like about being a women?‘, I’ve been asked a little while ago.

I wouldn’t be able to come up with an answer straight away.. There was nothing really I could think of. So I thought of some things like: ‚we can use make up and wear nice clothes and be more sensitive then men.‘

But even that wasn’t completely true for me, as for a long while I refused to buy any new clothes or make up (because of ecological reasons and whatever excuses..)

Just because I wouldn’t accept my desire and wish to buy some new things.
Meeting my own needs and following my desires weren’t practices I was good at.

Instead I would wear my old clothes that I inwardly hated and go out without any make up, although I was of the opinion that I looked bloody tired and *sorry* Shit!
Not really self-loving, Is it?

Just recently I started to buy a lot of new fancy and colorful clothes, using make up again when I felt like using it. Of course vegan and sustainable. I found many second hand shops that had super nice clothes, especially dresses.
I told myself big time in the past that I don’t like dresses, which wasn’t actually true.
I also told myself that I don’t like pink, which wasn’t true either!

Shortly after I found out about that, I bought a new phone case and headphones in pink.
I even bought jewelry. Rings and necklaces, I received earrings as a gift.
And you know what? I LOVE them! I love wearing them!

After experiencing this change, I was quite interested in finding out more.. What else did I just forget or not allow myself to experience?

Moreover, acknowledging that being a woman is even more than that opened my eyes completely.  Being a woman means to receive more than give. It means to feel into your body more than just „act as you should“. 

It is being intuitive. It is being receptive. It is being warm and loving with yourself.

Being a woman also means being more emotional than I was most of the time.. and this refers me to my answer given earlier.. I also thought that being more sensitive is actually more of a disadvantage than it is a positive.

Why the hell did I just forget or deny all those gifts? Why have I not learned to act and be just naturally feminine? I think there has been a lot of guilt and shame related, it just didn’t come from „nothing“.. But I’ve never questioned my behavior.

I thought this is normal. I sometimes thought, ‚Hm, other women are quite different..‘ But this is just me. I always felt different, didn’t I?

Yes I did! Which was for several other reasons, but perhaps because I have been bullied at school, which was traumatic. They told me I was fat and ugly. For too many years. (I might have picked up some beliefs from my family  as welk. Not too sure about that…)

It was horrible. I didn’t wanna go to school. I just wanted to look as all the pop stars on TV looked like. I wanted to be beautiful and flawless. I just wanted to be accepted and loved. Not only by the people at school and on the school bus, but also by my family. I needed to be seen and heard, as the little girl that I was. With my sorrows and fears and issues I had at that time.. The little girl who desperately wanted to be older.. To be stronger than all these other kids. To just be able to leave school.
And sometimes this little girl just didn’t want to be a girl anymore.

I do remember when I was about 7 or 8, I imagined how I will look like as an 18 year old .. (I sometimes even doubted to ever reach this age.. maybe I will die before that), and what my dad told me what I better don’t look like.. ( which was fat and ugly )

So the story unfolded and I grew taller and everyone saw me being not so Chubby anymore, they thought that I lost weight.. They even praised me for loosing weight and looking better. With they I mean my family and most of the people I cared for (or at least cared for their opinion).

Although everyone else seemed to like my changed outward appearance, I still didn’t liked my body. I didn’t liked the way I looked. I was still ugly in my own perception..

It’s been a long road and a process of change and awareness from where I was a couple of years ago to where I am now.

There has been an even more painful period in between, where I just rejected my body, wouldn’t eat much at all and didn’t allow myself any joy, that was how I looked like, too.

I have the aim to move on from that and develop into the direction of self-love, but it certainly takes me a while and a lot of work.

I never stoped being that little girl, I always was and always will be. I can, however, start to be compassionate with her and support her from the point of my adult self in the here and now.

Thanks for being compassionate,

Love

Jacky

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Making Crumpet for the first time

Da ich ja nun schon eine zeitlang in England bin (und sich mein Aufenthalt auch dem Ende zuneigt), bin ich der ein oder anderen englischen „speciality“ schon begegnet. Gestern habe ich dann zum ersten Mal selbst hinterm Herd gestanden und „Crumpets“ gebacken. Wir haben das ganze in unserer „Women’s Group“ bei meiner Praktikumsstelle gemacht.

Wer sie nicht kennt, Crumpets sind eine Art Pancakes, die aber nicht besonders sweet sind, sondern ziemlich neutral und man kann sie sowohl herzhaft als auch süß essen.

Die Crumpets die wir gemacht haben waren nicht vegan, man kann sie aber problemlos vegan machen, indem man einfach die normale Milch durch Pflanzenmilch ersetzt.

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  • Das Rezept habe ich hier nochmal auf Deutsch niedergeschrieben:
  • 250 g helles Mehl
  • 1/2 TL Salz
  • 1 TL Trockenhefe
  • 1 TL Natron
  • 1 TL Zucker
  • 325 ml Milch
  • 50 ml Wasser

Butter oder Margarine zum einfetten der Ringe und ausbacken.

Dann mixt man all die trocknen Zutaten zusammen. Milch und Wasser werden langsam zugegeben und gut gerührt, entweder mit Handmixer oder Schneebesen.

Dann muss der Teig eine Stunde lang ruhen, unter einem Küchenhandtuch an einem warmen Ort. Nach einer Stunde sollten Blasen auf und im Teig sichtbar sein, was ein gutes Zeichen ist, dass er nun fertig zum ausbacken ist.
Man benutzt dazu extra „Crumpet Ringe“, die man wahrscheinlich auch im Internet finden kann. Diese fettet man dann auf der Innenseite mit Butter/Margarine ein.

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Butter oder Margarine wird in einer beschichteten Pfanne erhitzt und dann auf mittlere Stufe gebracht. Jetzt pro Ring ca. 2-3 EL Teig backen in der Pfanne backen.

Nach ca. 5 Minuten werden auch Blasen auf der Oberfläche sichtbar. Das ist ein gutes Zeichen, und der Teig braucht ca. 7-10 Minuten um fertig gebacken zu sein, und um die Ringe vorsichtig zu entfernen. Achtung, die sind wirklich HOT!!! Ich habe mir gestern schon die Finger verbrannt. 😀

Dann dreht man die Crumpets noch einmal auf die andere Seite und bräunt die Oberfläche ca. 1 Minute lang.
Dann direkt aus der Pfanne servieren, mit allem was das Herz begehrt, Frischkäse und Schnittlauch, Marmelade, Butter, Honig oder Marmite.

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Das Ergebnis war unglaublich lecker und sehr schnell waren alle aufgefuttert 😀

Lasst es euch schmecken, wenn ihr es ausprobiert!