Thank you, Agnes Krown, for your article about ’shame‘. It opened my eyes and made me feel less alone.. instead, it made me feel very normal and instantly I was able to accept myself a bit more.
In my current situation I feel as if I am the only one feeling this way.. and as if it is not alright to feel this way at all. Feeling miserable and ashamed of what I did. Feeling miserable because I did something wrong, because I should have known better…
Yes, the feeling of shame is one of the most uncomfortable feelings ever. Being ashamed of oneself is even more painful.
It’s like I don’t deserve love and affection and compassion, as if I am wrong. Yes, it’s really a powerful self destructive feeling.
It makes me feel as if I have to stay all alone, as if I would not find someone who approves of my feelings and who accepts me for doing something wrong and this might be because: I can’t accept myself, either..
So, here we go.. I cannot accept myself for feeling negatively and low. I can hardly sooth myself.. this is where I start from. This is another thing I am ashamed of, because I often say and also sometimes show that I do approve of my negative emotions. Although, not always, moreover it’s hard.
This leads me to another thing I feel ashamed of, which is that I seem to not always tell the truth and be completely honest and authentic.
I have difficulties to come to terms with not always being happy and easy going. I have difficulties with telling different things to different people.
I would say, at least that is the truth.
I am often judgemental and negative about myself. However, just cheering up doesn’t work ! It just postpones the feeling.
The feeling of shame eventually wants to have its turn. the feeling of doing something wrong and being not worth of love wants to be felt. The feeling has its validity. It has its reason.
It’s not coming out of nowhere and not going to do me any harm (however , that’s what I still believe)
I have to feel it. And therefore I agree, the only way out, is in. (Not the other way around)
I will validate my shame, acknowledge it. I will listen to it and give it attention.
I’ll admit to it. The shame about doing something wrong. Of wasting my time. Of being not always honest. The shame about my body, the shame of having overeaten. My feelings of guilt. The feeling is okay to be there. And when I need to, I will go to a friend who will give me even more validation of my feelings. It’s sometimes so hard to be vulnerable on my own. It makes me feel very small and I still judge myself..
I can tell myself, though, that it is okay to feel that way, after what happened. So it is okay to feel shame after I overate because I didn’t want to throw the food away. And because I didn’t listen to my body. It is okay to feel miserable, because I feel as if I let myself down and didn’t look after myself. It is okay to feel alone with it, because I am alone right now.
I then go into the feeling and where it is located within my body. For shame it is very distinctive.
I feel it in my upper part of the stomach and in my whole belly. It’s a tight sensation, a numbness as well. I am actually ashamed of my body right now.
And that even though there might be a hundred people out there telling me that I look good. I can’t believe it fully..
I feel anxiety as well. (But this is actually another subject)..
What if someone is thinking badly of me for what I write about right now..
yeah, what if… worries. I worry. I do it sometimes, I admit to it right here and now. It feels good to admit to it and no longer to pretend something else.
Yes I know this post is quite long and probably not what you want to read or expect to read. But this is what’s going on for me right now. This is just writing my heart down and my thoughts..
It helps me to write it down. It has helped me almost all my life. Since I learned how to write. It has also most of my life been that I didn’t want to make mistakes and that I was afraid of being judged or not liked.
It’s not new, that I didn’t like my body. I didn’t like it most of my life and was ashamed of it. I don’t like it the way it looks right now. Because I can see my belly bloated and see the stretch marks on my legs… (yes, sad but true.)
Feeling embarrassed and ashamed of myself and my ‚flaws‘ is therefore nothing new.
And I would be grateful if anyone, who reads this article, is also ashamed of something. It doesn’t have to be a big thing.. but I’m pretty sure there is.
Some compassion for yourself and everyone else out there who feels ashamed or shame right now. You are not alone.
(I will now be present with my emotions again, although I already feel better after writing most of it down and therefore acknowledging it.)
Be brave and digg deep.