The only way out, is in..

Thank you, Agnes Krown, for your article about ’shame‘. It opened my eyes and made me feel less alone.. instead, it made me feel very normal and instantly I was able to accept myself a bit more.

In my current situation I feel as if I am the only one feeling this way.. and as if it is not alright to feel this way at all. Feeling miserable and ashamed of what I did. Feeling miserable because I did something wrong, because I should have known better…

Yes, the feeling of shame is one of the most uncomfortable feelings ever. Being ashamed of oneself is even more painful.

It’s like I don’t deserve love and affection and compassion, as if I am wrong. Yes, it’s really a powerful self destructive feeling.

It makes me feel as if I have to stay all alone, as if I would not find someone who approves of my feelings and who accepts me for doing something wrong and this might be because: I can’t accept myself, either..

So, here we go.. I cannot accept myself for feeling negatively and low. I can hardly sooth myself.. this is where I start from. This is another thing I am ashamed of, because I often say and also sometimes show that I do approve of my negative emotions. Although, not always, moreover it’s hard.

This leads me to another thing I feel ashamed of, which is that I seem to not always tell the truth and be completely honest and authentic.

I have difficulties to come to terms with not always being happy and easy going. I have difficulties with telling different things to different people.

I would say, at least that is the truth.

I am often judgemental and negative about myself. However, just cheering up doesn’t work ! It just postpones the feeling.

The feeling of shame eventually wants to have its turn. the feeling of doing something wrong and being not worth of love wants to be felt. The feeling has its validity. It has its reason.

It’s not coming out of nowhere and not going to do me any harm (however , that’s what I still believe)

I have to feel it. And therefore I agree, the only way out, is in. (Not the other way around)

I will validate my shame, acknowledge it. I will listen to it and give it attention.

I’ll admit to it. The shame about doing something wrong. Of wasting my time. Of being not always honest. The shame about my body, the shame of having overeaten. My feelings of guilt. The feeling is okay to be there. And when I need to, I will go to a friend who will give me even more validation of my feelings. It’s sometimes so hard to be vulnerable on my own. It makes me feel very small and I still judge myself..

I can tell myself, though, that it is okay to feel that way, after what happened. So it is okay to feel shame after I overate because I didn’t want to throw the food away. And because I didn’t listen to my body. It is okay to feel miserable, because I feel as if I let myself down and didn’t look after myself. It is okay to feel alone with it, because I am alone right now.

I then go into the feeling and where it is located within my body. For shame it is very distinctive.

I feel it in my upper part of the stomach and in my whole belly. It’s a tight sensation, a numbness as well. I am actually ashamed of my body right now.

And that even though there might be a hundred people out there telling me that I look good. I can’t believe it fully..

I feel anxiety as well. (But this is actually another subject)..

What if someone is thinking badly of me for what I write about right now..

yeah, what if…  worries. I worry. I do it sometimes, I admit to it right here and now. It feels good to admit to it and no longer to pretend something else.

Yes I know this post is quite long and probably not what you want to read or expect to read. But this is what’s going on for me right now. This is just writing my heart down and my thoughts..

It helps me to write it down. It has helped me almost all my life. Since I learned how to write. It has also most of my life been that I didn’t want to make mistakes and that I was afraid of being judged or not liked.

It’s not new, that I didn’t like my body. I didn’t like it most of my life and was ashamed of it. I don’t like it the way it looks right now. Because I can see my belly bloated and see the stretch marks on my legs… (yes, sad but true.)

Feeling embarrassed and ashamed of myself and my ‚flaws‘ is therefore nothing new.

And I would be grateful if anyone, who reads this article, is also ashamed of something. It doesn’t have to be a big thing.. but I’m pretty sure there is.

Some compassion for yourself and everyone else out there who feels ashamed or shame right now. You are not alone.

(I will now be present with my emotions again, although I already feel better after writing most of it down and therefore acknowledging it.)

Be brave and digg deep.

Love, Jacky

Schottland – Glasgow & Edinburgh

Über meinen Geburtstag bin ich nach Schottland gefahren um dort eine Bekannte von mir, eine andere Jacqueline, zu besuchen. Sie wohnt in Glasgow und hat mich netterweise bei sich aufgenommen. Es war ein tolles Wochenende und ich muss mich erstmal von den ganzen Eindrücken erholen. Letzten Donnerstag war außerdem noch mein Geburtstag, den ich dann bei ihr verbracht habe, um nicht allein in Ipswich zu sein. Auf der Arbeit habe ich glücklicherweise 2 Tage frei bekommen, sodass ich von Donnerstag bis Sonntag unterwegs war! 🙂 Und als ich wiederkam war es meeega heiß!!

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Don’t be angry girl..

It’s a rainy day.. It just wouldn’t stop raining today. My mood is low. I feel sad. I feel very stuck in the past. Memories from the past are constantly coming back today..

I am not used to talk about my childhood a lot, but when other people around me are talking about children’s behavior, I can’t help but think of my own childhood.

Yes, I had some heavy emotions when I was younger. Yes, I was not allowed to show them at that time. Yes, I have suppressed and nearly completely denied them!

„That expression doesn’t look good on your face“, I was told when I was younger.
I wanted to be a pretty girl. A pretty nice girl. So I choose to become just good.

But JUST good is simply not possible all the time. You can try it. It won’t work!

I was punished many times for being angry, it was not accepted by my family.
Although I saw anger being expressed daily by the same people around me..
For me it was not an option. It was something that made me feel very ashamed.
Even my sadness had been dismissed in many situations.

So I started feeling guilty for my anger and even my sadness. I wouldn’t be loud.
I wouldn’t scream and shout anymore. I wouldn’t cry when I had to. At first not in front of others. Later on, not even when I was on my own. I wouldn’t even speak up for myself and saying „No“. Not disagree anymore, because I knew this would bring me into trouble at some point. Not contradicting people I wanna be loved and liked by. This brought me into a whole lot of trouble and unpleasant situations.

And this created even more shame and anger and sadness.
This is sad. I feel ashamed for that! Now I find myself blaming me for that again..

Going through that again and again! This is sad! This makes me angry!
This gives me a reason to grief! So I had to get that off my chest right now!
No wonder why I am constantly feeling sad.. As there is a reason to be sad.

It is just not so visible, not so current..

Wisdom taught at home..

This might sound familiar to some of you…

My father taught me logic:
„Because I say so!“

My mother taught me foresight:
„Make sure you wear clean underwear in case you have an accident“

My father taught me irony:
„Keep crying like that and I’ll give you something to cry about“

My mother taught me about hypocrisy:
„I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times“

My mother taught me genetics:
„You are just like your father..“

In a perfect world…

all children would have the opportunity to have a safe, healthy and happy start in life.

Every child would be nurtured by a loving family and responsible parents.

Every child would have enough to eat and wouldn’t be thirsty. Every child would have a warm bed with a soft pillow to sleep in, and a cuddly toy for when it’s alone.

Every child would enjoy being a child and being taken seriously for it’s needs and wants. Every child would enjoy play and be without sorrow, without worries about what his parents might be complaining or arguing about next..

(some of the words originally by Brian Tobin, founder of Iceni Ipswich)

Gefühle sind nicht für immer..

Was immer du gerade fühlst, es wird vermutlich nicht für den Rest der Woche so bleiben. Vermutlich nichtmal für den Rest des Tages..
Gefühle kommen und vergehen.. Manchmal dauert es länger, manchmal geht es schneller. Aber eins habe ich aus eigener Erfahrung gelernt,..

Wenn ich meinem Gefühl keinen Raum gebe, das heißt, es nicht fühle, sondern irgendwie versuche mich abzulenken oder so zu tun als wäre es nicht schlimm, dann bleibt es!
Warum ist das so? Wo immer wir uns gegen wehren, bleibt umso hartnäckiger bestehen.
(„Whatever we resist, persists.“)
Kennt ihr das? wir sprechen unseren Ärger/ Groll nicht aus und er bleibt innerlich.. Er wird sogar noch mehr, einfach weil wir ihm keinen Raum geben.

Ärgerlich, oder? Find ich auch..
Ich finde, das muss nicht so sein. Aus diesem Grund habe ich mich dazu entschieden meinen Emotionen Raum zu geben. Sie auszusprechen und auszuleben.

Das heißt aber nicht, dass ich der nächsten Person, auf die ich wütend bin an den Kragen gehe. Nein, ich kann das im Nachhinein auch meiner Freundin/Schwester oder näheren Bezugsperson erzählen und mich dann einfach ausheulen bzw. sagen, warum ich so sauer bin! Und zwar wirklich.
Wenn ich gerade niemanden habe, zu dem ich gehen kann, dann setze ich mich vor meine Kamera und erzähle es ihr.. bzw. mir selbst.

Das ist unter anderen auch ganz witzig, wenn man es sich später oder am nächsten Tag, auch eine Woche später nochmal anschaut. Und kann durchaus dazu führen, dass man dann gute Laune bekommt, weil es schon vergangen ist, und weil man sich nun eben besser fühlt. Gefühle bleiben halt nicht für immer. 😉

Bleibt offen, und fühlt. 🙂