Who am I ?

I was often told who I am by others.
I often followed what others suggested was right.
I often said Yes, when I actually meant No.

But then.. who I really am came as a shock,
As I am not, what I showed to others.


How do you feel?

Hold on for a moment. Stop in your busy day to day life and take a minute.

Only one minute. Focus on your breathing. On how your breath draws in and out.

Breathe in deeply, through your nostrils, into your lungs, into your abdomen.

And then hold it for a second. Just a brief pause. Before you..

Follow it out again. Maybe you even breathe out through your mouth.. and let go.

Feel your lungs contracting, your abdomen shrinking, your shoulder relaxing.

And then repeat. Do it a couple of times.

Maybe you focus on your thoughts as well, and notice where you are right now..

What are you thinking about?

On being a woman.

‚What do you like about being a women?‘, I’ve been asked a little while ago.

I wouldn’t be able to come up with an answer straight away.. There was nothing really I could think of. So I thought of some things like: ‚we can use make up and wear nice clothes and be more sensitive then men.‘

But even that wasn’t completely true for me, as for a long while I refused to buy any new clothes or make up (because of ecological reasons and whatever excuses..)

Just because I wouldn’t accept my desire and wish to buy some new things.
Meeting my own needs and following my desires weren’t practices I was good at.

Instead I would wear my old clothes that I inwardly hated and go out without any make up, although I was of the opinion that I looked bloody tired and *sorry* Shit!
Not really self-loving, Is it?

Just recently I started to buy a lot of new fancy and colorful clothes, using make up again when I felt like using it. Of course vegan and sustainable. I found many second hand shops that had super nice clothes, especially dresses.
I told myself big time in the past that I don’t like dresses, which wasn’t actually true.
I also told myself that I don’t like pink, which wasn’t true either!

Shortly after I found out about that, I bought a new phone case and headphones in pink.
I even bought jewelry. Rings and necklaces, I received earrings as a gift.
And you know what? I LOVE them! I love wearing them!

After experiencing this change, I was quite interested in finding out more.. What else did I just forget or not allow myself to experience?

Moreover, acknowledging that being a woman is even more than that opened my eyes completely.  Being a woman means to receive more than give. It means to feel into your body more than just „act as you should“. 

It is being intuitive. It is being receptive. It is being warm and loving with yourself.

Being a woman also means being more emotional than I was most of the time.. and this refers me to my answer given earlier.. I also thought that being more sensitive is actually more of a disadvantage than it is a positive.

Why the hell did I just forget or deny all those gifts? Why have I not learned to act and be just naturally feminine? I think there has been a lot of guilt and shame related, it just didn’t come from „nothing“.. But I’ve never questioned my behavior.

I thought this is normal. I sometimes thought, ‚Hm, other women are quite different..‘ But this is just me. I always felt different, didn’t I?

Yes I did! Which was for several other reasons, but perhaps because I have been bullied at school, which was traumatic. They told me I was fat and ugly. For too many years. (I might have picked up some beliefs from my family  as welk. Not too sure about that…)

It was horrible. I didn’t wanna go to school. I just wanted to look as all the pop stars on TV looked like. I wanted to be beautiful and flawless. I just wanted to be accepted and loved. Not only by the people at school and on the school bus, but also by my family. I needed to be seen and heard, as the little girl that I was. With my sorrows and fears and issues I had at that time.. The little girl who desperately wanted to be older.. To be stronger than all these other kids. To just be able to leave school.
And sometimes this little girl just didn’t want to be a girl anymore.

I do remember when I was about 7 or 8, I imagined how I will look like as an 18 year old .. (I sometimes even doubted to ever reach this age.. maybe I will die before that), and what my dad told me what I better don’t look like.. ( which was fat and ugly )

So the story unfolded and I grew taller and everyone saw me being not so Chubby anymore, they thought that I lost weight.. They even praised me for loosing weight and looking better. With they I mean my family and most of the people I cared for (or at least cared for their opinion).

Although everyone else seemed to like my changed outward appearance, I still didn’t liked my body. I didn’t liked the way I looked. I was still ugly in my own perception..

It’s been a long road and a process of change and awareness from where I was a couple of years ago to where I am now.

There has been an even more painful period in between, where I just rejected my body, wouldn’t eat much at all and didn’t allow myself any joy, that was how I looked like, too.

I have the aim to move on from that and develop into the direction of self-love, but it certainly takes me a while and a lot of work.

I never stoped being that little girl, I always was and always will be. I can, however, start to be compassionate with her and support her from the point of my adult self in the here and now.

Thanks for being compassionate,



Making Crumpet for the first time

Da ich ja nun schon eine zeitlang in England bin (und sich mein Aufenthalt auch dem Ende zuneigt), bin ich der ein oder anderen englischen „speciality“ schon begegnet. Gestern habe ich dann zum ersten Mal selbst hinterm Herd gestanden und „Crumpets“ gebacken. Wir haben das ganze in unserer „Women’s Group“ bei meiner Praktikumsstelle gemacht.

Wer sie nicht kennt, Crumpets sind eine Art Pancakes, die aber nicht besonders sweet sind, sondern ziemlich neutral und man kann sie sowohl herzhaft als auch süß essen.

Die Crumpets die wir gemacht haben waren nicht vegan, man kann sie aber problemlos vegan machen, indem man einfach die normale Milch durch Pflanzenmilch ersetzt.


  • Das Rezept habe ich hier nochmal auf Deutsch niedergeschrieben:
  • 250 g helles Mehl
  • 1/2 TL Salz
  • 1 TL Trockenhefe
  • 1 TL Natron
  • 1 TL Zucker
  • 325 ml Milch
  • 50 ml Wasser

Butter oder Margarine zum einfetten der Ringe und ausbacken.

Dann mixt man all die trocknen Zutaten zusammen. Milch und Wasser werden langsam zugegeben und gut gerührt, entweder mit Handmixer oder Schneebesen.

Dann muss der Teig eine Stunde lang ruhen, unter einem Küchenhandtuch an einem warmen Ort. Nach einer Stunde sollten Blasen auf und im Teig sichtbar sein, was ein gutes Zeichen ist, dass er nun fertig zum ausbacken ist.
Man benutzt dazu extra „Crumpet Ringe“, die man wahrscheinlich auch im Internet finden kann. Diese fettet man dann auf der Innenseite mit Butter/Margarine ein.

Butter oder Margarine wird in einer beschichteten Pfanne erhitzt und dann auf mittlere Stufe gebracht. Jetzt pro Ring ca. 2-3 EL Teig backen in der Pfanne backen.

Nach ca. 5 Minuten werden auch Blasen auf der Oberfläche sichtbar. Das ist ein gutes Zeichen, und der Teig braucht ca. 7-10 Minuten um fertig gebacken zu sein, und um die Ringe vorsichtig zu entfernen. Achtung, die sind wirklich HOT!!! Ich habe mir gestern schon die Finger verbrannt. 😀

Dann dreht man die Crumpets noch einmal auf die andere Seite und bräunt die Oberfläche ca. 1 Minute lang.
Dann direkt aus der Pfanne servieren, mit allem was das Herz begehrt, Frischkäse und Schnittlauch, Marmelade, Butter, Honig oder Marmite.


Das Ergebnis war unglaublich lecker und sehr schnell waren alle aufgefuttert 😀

Lasst es euch schmecken, wenn ihr es ausprobiert!


The only way out, is in..

Thank you, Agnes Krown, for your article about ’shame‘. It opened my eyes and made me feel less alone.. instead, it made me feel very normal and instantly I was able to accept myself a bit more.

In my current situation I feel as if I am the only one feeling this way.. and as if it is not alright to feel this way at all. Feeling miserable and ashamed of what I did. Feeling miserable because I did something wrong, because I should have known better…

Yes, the feeling of shame is one of the most uncomfortable feelings ever. Being ashamed of oneself is even more painful.

It’s like I don’t deserve love and affection and compassion, as if I am wrong. Yes, it’s really a powerful self destructive feeling.

It makes me feel as if I have to stay all alone, as if I would not find someone who approves of my feelings and who accepts me for doing something wrong and this might be because: I can’t accept myself, either..

So, here we go.. I cannot accept myself for feeling negatively and low. I can hardly sooth myself.. this is where I start from. This is another thing I am ashamed of, because I often say and also sometimes show that I do approve of my negative emotions. Although, not always, moreover it’s hard.

This leads me to another thing I feel ashamed of, which is that I seem to not always tell the truth and be completely honest and authentic.

I have difficulties to come to terms with not always being happy and easy going. I have difficulties with telling different things to different people.

I would say, at least that is the truth.

I am often judgemental and negative about myself. However, just cheering up doesn’t work ! It just postpones the feeling.

The feeling of shame eventually wants to have its turn. the feeling of doing something wrong and being not worth of love wants to be felt. The feeling has its validity. It has its reason.

It’s not coming out of nowhere and not going to do me any harm (however , that’s what I still believe)

I have to feel it. And therefore I agree, the only way out, is in. (Not the other way around)

I will validate my shame, acknowledge it. I will listen to it and give it attention.

I’ll admit to it. The shame about doing something wrong. Of wasting my time. Of being not always honest. The shame about my body, the shame of having overeaten. My feelings of guilt. The feeling is okay to be there. And when I need to, I will go to a friend who will give me even more validation of my feelings. It’s sometimes so hard to be vulnerable on my own. It makes me feel very small and I still judge myself..

I can tell myself, though, that it is okay to feel that way, after what happened. So it is okay to feel shame after I overate because I didn’t want to throw the food away. And because I didn’t listen to my body. It is okay to feel miserable, because I feel as if I let myself down and didn’t look after myself. It is okay to feel alone with it, because I am alone right now.

I then go into the feeling and where it is located within my body. For shame it is very distinctive.

I feel it in my upper part of the stomach and in my whole belly. It’s a tight sensation, a numbness as well. I am actually ashamed of my body right now.

And that even though there might be a hundred people out there telling me that I look good. I can’t believe it fully..

I feel anxiety as well. (But this is actually another subject)..

What if someone is thinking badly of me for what I write about right now..

yeah, what if…  worries. I worry. I do it sometimes, I admit to it right here and now. It feels good to admit to it and no longer to pretend something else.

Yes I know this post is quite long and probably not what you want to read or expect to read. But this is what’s going on for me right now. This is just writing my heart down and my thoughts..

It helps me to write it down. It has helped me almost all my life. Since I learned how to write. It has also most of my life been that I didn’t want to make mistakes and that I was afraid of being judged or not liked.

It’s not new, that I didn’t like my body. I didn’t like it most of my life and was ashamed of it. I don’t like it the way it looks right now. Because I can see my belly bloated and see the stretch marks on my legs… (yes, sad but true.)

Feeling embarrassed and ashamed of myself and my ‚flaws‘ is therefore nothing new.

And I would be grateful if anyone, who reads this article, is also ashamed of something. It doesn’t have to be a big thing.. but I’m pretty sure there is.

Some compassion for yourself and everyone else out there who feels ashamed or shame right now. You are not alone.

(I will now be present with my emotions again, although I already feel better after writing most of it down and therefore acknowledging it.)

Be brave and digg deep.

Love, Jacky