It’s a rainy day.. It just wouldn’t stop raining today. My mood is low. I feel sad. I feel very stuck in the past. Memories from the past are constantly coming back today..
I am not used to talk about my childhood a lot, but when other people around me are talking about children’s behavior, I can’t help but think of my own childhood.
Yes, I had some heavy emotions when I was younger. Yes, I was not allowed to show them at that time. Yes, I have suppressed and nearly completely denied them!
„That expression doesn’t look good on your face“, I was told when I was younger.
I wanted to be a pretty girl. A pretty nice girl. So I choose to become just good.
But JUST good is simply not possible all the time. You can try it. It won’t work!
I was punished many times for being angry, it was not accepted by my family.
Although I saw anger being expressed daily by the same people around me..
For me it was not an option. It was something that made me feel very ashamed.
Even my sadness had been dismissed in many situations.
So I started feeling guilty for my anger and even my sadness. I wouldn’t be loud.
I wouldn’t scream and shout anymore. I wouldn’t cry when I had to. At first not in front of others. Later on, not even when I was on my own. I wouldn’t even speak up for myself and saying „No“. Not disagree anymore, because I knew this would bring me into trouble at some point. Not contradicting people I wanna be loved and liked by. This brought me into a whole lot of trouble and unpleasant situations.
And this created even more shame and anger and sadness.
This is sad. I feel ashamed for that! Now I find myself blaming me for that again..
Going through that again and again! This is sad! This makes me angry!
This gives me a reason to grief! So I had to get that off my chest right now!
No wonder why I am constantly feeling sad.. As there is a reason to be sad.
It is just not so visible, not so current..